April 24th...came and went and I didn't remember

I must be losing my mind! Yesterday, the 24th of April, was our 58th wedding anniversary. ..and I didn't remember...the truth is, I'm no longer aware of what the date is from one day to the next.

Bob's death and my grief has effected me in so many different ways...no one knows unless they have experienced it firsthand . Grief involves so many changes and it's continually developing. One thing I've learned is it takes longer than most people think, myself included. There really is no end..it just evolves from one thing to another. I'm told  that it's a journey and it can't be rushed....I've learned that that is true.

I've made it through the customary "steps"..the shock, or numbness...however, there was no shock involved for us...we knew for some weeks that he was dying..After the numbness wore off there was and still is,  emotional upheaval...at times overwhelming grief :  sadness:   depression:  loneliness:  drugs to sleep and help cope:  over activity, sometimes to the point of exhaustion: over-eating: over spending: neglecting basic needs: some physical distress: creating shrines: experiencing an intense preoccupation with his life: ..all  natural and normal grief responses I'm told!

I've made some healthy choices as well: crying, talking, sharing, attending a support group, journaling (through my blogs), taking small trips,  engaging in activities that I enjoy, such as gardening, allowing myself to laugh and enjoy the little ones in my family.

At this particular time I've become restless and  disorganized. I don't finish things that I start...there are half a dozen "projects" cluttering up the house  that lay undone..I leave the house in disarray for days...I'm unable to concentrate ...I forget everything..(our anniversary!!!)..did I take my pills this am?...I just put those thing away..where are they?...did I pay that bill? have I feed the fish today?
I can't sleep over 3 or 4 hours, even with Rx...and I cry at unexpected times...
So,

  "Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet...I'll never be over it...bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
   Please don't tell me he's  in a better place...he isn't here with me.
   Please don't say at least he isn't suffering...I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
   Please don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear...
          just say you remember him... let me talk about him...let me cry."