Apr 25, 2011

April 24th...came and went and I didn't remember

I must be losing my mind! Yesterday, the 24th of April, was our 58th wedding anniversary. ..and I didn't remember...the truth is, I'm no longer aware of what the date is from one day to the next.

Bob's death and my grief has effected me in so many different ways...no one knows unless they have experienced it firsthand . Grief involves so many changes and it's continually developing. One thing I've learned is it takes longer than most people think, myself included. There really is no end..it just evolves from one thing to another. I'm told  that it's a journey and it can't be rushed....I've learned that that is true.

I've made it through the customary "steps"..the shock, or numbness...however, there was no shock involved for us...we knew for some weeks that he was dying..After the numbness wore off there was and still is,  emotional upheaval...at times overwhelming grief :  sadness:   depression:  loneliness:  drugs to sleep and help cope:  over activity, sometimes to the point of exhaustion: over-eating: over spending: neglecting basic needs: some physical distress: creating shrines: experiencing an intense preoccupation with his life: ..all  natural and normal grief responses I'm told!

I've made some healthy choices as well: crying, talking, sharing, attending a support group, journaling (through my blogs), taking small trips,  engaging in activities that I enjoy, such as gardening, allowing myself to laugh and enjoy the little ones in my family.

At this particular time I've become restless and  disorganized. I don't finish things that I start...there are half a dozen "projects" cluttering up the house  that lay undone..I leave the house in disarray for days...I'm unable to concentrate ...I forget everything..(our anniversary!!!)..did I take my pills this am?...I just put those thing away..where are they?...did I pay that bill? have I feed the fish today?
I can't sleep over 3 or 4 hours, even with Rx...and I cry at unexpected times...

  "Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet...I'll never be over it...bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
   Please don't tell me he's  in a better place...he isn't here with me.
   Please don't say at least he isn't suffering...I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
   Please don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear...
          just say you remember him... let me talk about him...let me cry."

Apr 23, 2011

Classic hamburger drive-in hangout in Dallas serves cheap burgers and beer by the six pack.

For the past 10 or so years it has been customary for the members of our Dallas family to head over to Keller's late Sunday afternoons...and we always made a point to go there when anyone was in town visiting. On a given Sunday there could be anywhere from 6 to 16 (or more) of the Peete clan showing up...car, truck, SUV, etc...there was loud music, bikers, other family groups or just couples hanging out, enjoying the food and atmosphere.

In Short: Old, dirty, run-down, noisy, hot, crowded....BUT---the best burger in town...chili cheese tots...ummmm.
I miss it.

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"This burger joint isn't about the perfect recipe, it's about the style in which it is served. Patrons park their vehicles under one of the many ports and a waitress comes out to greet them and take their order. The grub is brought back to the car for noshing. On weekends, bikers and classic cars enthusiasts fill the lot. The burger menu offers hot dogs, fries and chicken tenders." quote from The Dallas Observer..

Apr 20, 2011

I Love Kids

"I like the way they look like little strangers, the first time you see them - totally unrecognizale yet freshly detatched from your own body.
 I like how they look in their baby bed the very first time you tuck them in - so small you decide they better sleep in bed with you.
 I like the way they yawn with their whole bodies.
 I like the dimples in their knees when they first learn to stand
  - and I love sleepy hair - you know, how it looks all fuzzy when they first wake up,
 I like the way "R's" don't appear in their alphabet until they are at least five years old.
 I like how little girls think pink chiffon dresses are divine and little boys wear their cowboy boots with shorts.
 I like how they delight in chasing fireflies and blowing dandelions after they've turned into that white fuzzy stuff.
 I like how they look the first day of school.
 I like the way they love you more than anyone else on earth ever loved you, and how they like you even better when they're grown,
   and how, when they have children of their own you can try it once more...and maybe do a little better...because
I like children."

Beth Moore

Apr 14, 2011

Lincoln County, Tn.

It was a beautiful day yesterday for our short drive up to the cemetery..the boys helped remove the faded flowers to be replaced with new ones...dogwood stems, purple sweet pea, ferns and Ivy...when finished we drove on into Fayetteville, Tn....picked up some bar-b-que sandwiches and drinks...stopped at a park to eat...then went by WalMart before returning the 15 miles back home.

Apr 3, 2011

The picture wall

Barb has not had the time to keep her pictures in any kind of order...so I set out to organize them for her.  She had a closet full of boxes filled with  albumns, frames (some with pictures in them, some without, some new and never used, some older), loose pictures, etc...I still have two boxes of loose pictures to sort through, organize and put in some kind of order..,,but I've finished the "picture-wall" that she wanted.

I think these next three are my favorite pictures...

The men in my life: my husband and two sons.
Bob was about 35, Herk (on left) high school grad. pic and Eddie (on right) college grad pic

young Barb and Dave

young Mr. & Mrs. Gentle

Apr 1, 2011


These thoughts came to me while contemplating some of my more recent actions.

One definition of change is  "the supplanting of one thing by another." Most of the changes I've made have  been both physically and  emotionally unhealthy...though I find myself helpless to exercise  control over them for any period of time..it's my way of making it through the day and night...my way of coping and trying to accept an  enormous loss. The sad part of this is the comfort, relief, gratification,WHATEVER  obtained is so temporary...only momentary.. "expiration date  tomorrow".

Example one:  Yesterday..I left home around 9:30 and did not return for 12 hours...Some days I "busy myself" to the point of exhaustion, just to put myself in a place where I am not thinking only of him.  It' not that I don't enjoy the things that I occupy myself with on those days...because I  mostly shop...and what woman doesn't love to shop! 
but I'm spending money that I do not have..I've purchased 15 pairs of shoes in the last 9 months...clothes that I still have not worn.!. And I'm not going to even count the purses...fortunately most of them come from Barb's shop and I buy them at her cost...or less.

And then there are the changes I make to the house. In complete honesty, I've always liked changing things around, rearranging furniture, reorganizing...Maybe that's my way of being in control...or rather "the feeling" of being in control...more about the "control thing"  later.
Just since my last pictures I've changed things.  We moved out the twin beds in my bedroom and replaced them with a queen size...which called for all new bedding..(which Barbara had already)I've hung sheers on some of my windows, I've moved pictures from one place to another, I moved my birds out to the front porch...until the cool weather returned...I've even rearranged my closet!!!

 I found this lovely box at Hobby Lobby perfect size to hold Bob's letters from Germany..with places on the top just the right size to hold some of his original pictures from Paris..

With any luck the sun will come back out and I can go outside and make  some good changes in the yard.

Last night at Grief Share one of the ladies suggested that perhaps one reason I'm having such a difficult time "adjusting" to this change in my life is because I've always been someone who feels the need to be "in control"...and now I 've been confronted with the fact that we really have no control over most of what occurs in our life.....I think she was "right on".... .

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”