Dec 23, 2013

Love Story

From the moment I saw you I wanted to meet you. From the moment I met you I wanted to know you. From the moment I knew you I was in love with you. From the moment I loved you I wanted to spend my life with you. And from that moment to this moment and all the moments to come I will love you with all my heart.
Sound like a Hallmark card? That's cause it is! The last birthday card I ever gave him.

Oct 7, 2013

I WILL PRAISE YOU IN THE STORM

ABSENT FROM THE BODY....PRESENT WITH THE LORD... "I was sure by now that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say, Amen and it's still raining As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you". And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand, You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm."

Sep 18, 2013

Pain and Suffering - why ?

An interesting read: Why Does God Allow Pain and Suffering? by Jen Hatmaker on September 17th, "Suffering transcends all class, race, ethnicity, culture, privilege.... There is no corner untouched by grief, no demographic, no alliance. If you haven’t suffered, just live longer. To this end, the church has a history of formulizing suffering, giving it tidy origins and endings and whitewashing the horrid, debilitating middle. We’ve assessed the complicated nuances of universal sorrow and assigned it categories, roots, principles. Or in the face of uncertain causes, we recite some of the coldest, inhumane theology: "God is sovereign. Deal with it." In an attempt to understand the ordinary grief of human life, I fear we’ve reduced a complicated reality to an unmanageable burden; we’ve put a yoke of despair on people who mourn, assigning accolades to those who “suffer well” and, in ways overt and subtle, urging our brokenhearted to buck up. Then adding insult to injury, we fall into the trap of explaining suffering, as if any one of us could possibly understand its eternal scope.,,,,"

Sep 16, 2013

"Love Is Patient and Kind..."1 Corinthians 13:

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments, but great moments often catch us unaware, beautifully wrapped in what others may consider insignificant. PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL!

Sep 9, 2013


"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; 
our human loneliness is cause enough.
 But it is a hard quest worth making 
to find a comrade through whose steady presence
 one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."

Anna Louise Strong 


Sometimes I feel as though I've lost myself....



Aug 22, 2013

Covington, Tn.

Most of the buildings around the square of my hometown, Covington, Tn., have been converted into antique, gift shops, etc. Earlier this year when Barb and I were there we stopped by the drug store where I worked while in high school...Roper Drug  (now an antique store). One of her purchases was an old window...I've printed pictures of Covington and "framed" them in the window...The Courthouse on the square...Bob in front of the courthouse with Roper Drug Store in the right background, the church were we were married, the Ritz Theater where mother worked, Old Trinity (the church Bob's ancestors founded) and the angel statue at the gravesite of his great-grandparents, Edwin Robert Peete and Jane Eleanor Taylor Peete..




The Triumph of Irrationality


To think that the affairs of this life always remain in the same state is a vain presumption; indeed they all seem to be perpetually changing and moving in a circular course. Spring is followed by summer, summer by autumn, and autumn by winter, which is again followed by spring, and so time continues its everlasting round. But the life of man is ever racing to its end, swifter than time itself, without hope of renewal, unless in the next life that is limitless and infinite.”
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote


Interesting dialogue from the movie "The Next Three Days
John Brennan: So, "The Life and Times of Don Quixote," what is it about?
Julie: That someone's belief in virtue is more important than virtue itself.
John Brennan: Yeah, that's in there. What else is it about? ...Could it be about how rational thought destroys the soul? The triumph of irrationality, and the power that is in it...Now we spend a lot of time trying to organize the world. We build clocks and calendars and we try to predict the weather, but what part of our life is truly under our control? What if we choose to exist in a reality of our own making, does that render us insane; and if so - isn't that better than a life of despair?

Life After Delivery


In a mother's womb were two babies. One asked the other: "Do you 
believe in life after delivery?" The other replies, "why, of course. There 
has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare
ourselves for what we will be later.
 "Nonsense," says the other. "There is no life after delivery. What would that life be?"
 "I don't know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths."
 The other says "This is absurd! Walking is impossible.
And eat with our mouths? Ridiculous. The umbilical cord supplies
nutrition. Life after delivery is to be excluded. The umbilical cord is too
short." 
"I think there is something and maybe it's different than it is
here." the other replies,
 "No one has ever come back from there. Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery it is nothing but darkness and anxiety and it takes us nowhere."
 "Well, I don't know,"says the other, "but certainly we will see mother and she will take care of us."
 "Mother??" You believe in mother? Where is she now? 
"She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her there would not be this world."
 "I don't see her, so it's only logical that she doesn't exist." 
To which the other replied, "sometimes when you're in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her." I believe there is a reality after delivery and we are here to prepare ourselves for that reality....


Psalm 46:10  “Be still and know that I am God.... 
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”


Answer - Sarah McLachian

I will be the answer  -    at the end of the line
I will be there for you -    while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty -    I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance - if you can't look down

If it takes my whole life -   I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it  -   worth it in the end.
Cause I can only tell you what I know -  that I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out -   you'll still be burning so bright.

Cast me gently into morning -  for the night has been unkind.




Jul 30, 2013

How Doctors Die...

Not a popular subject but...very interesting...expresses my sentiments exactly.....no un-necessary end-of-life, futile, over-treatment..no radiation, no chemo,...no CPR...of course, circumstance are not the same for everyone...age is a factor...Like most everyone else
I wish to die at home with my family....I understand family wanting to do everything possible to care for and prolong the life of their loved one...I went through that very thing 3 years ago with Bob...I'm so sorry that he had to endure his last year being drug from doctor to doctor...enduring the treatments that caused so much damage and eventually took his life....he was 80 years old for God's sake !!! I should have know better!!! His Cardiologist should have advised us instead of encouraging treatment....he was in a much better position to know the outcome than we were.




How Doctors Die
By KEN MURRAY, MD

Years ago, Charlie, a highly respected orthopedist and a mentor of mine, found a lump in his stomach. He had a surgeon explore the area, and the diagnosis was pancreatic cancer. This surgeon was one of the best in the country. He had even invented a new procedure for this exact cancer that could triple a patient’s five-year-survival odds—from 5 percent to 15 percent—albeit with a poor quality of life. Charlie was uninterested. He went home the next day, closed his practice, and never set foot in a hospital again. He focused on spending time with family and feeling as good as possible. Several months later, he died at home. He got no chemotherapy, radiation, or surgical treatment. Medicare didn’t spend much on him.
It’s not a frequent topic of discussion, but doctors die, too. And they don’t die like the rest of us. What’s unusual about them is not how much treatment they get compared to most Americans, but how little. For all the time they spend fending off the deaths of others, they tend to be fairly serene when faced with death themselves. They know exactly what is going to happen, they know the choices, and they generally have access to any sort of medical care they could want. But they go gently.
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Of course, doctors don’t want to die; they want to live. But they know enough about modern medicine to know its limits. And they know enough about death to know what all people fear most: dying in pain, and dying alone. They’ve talked about this with their families. They want to be sure, when the time comes, that no heroic measures will happen—that they will never experience, during their last moments on earth, someone breaking their ribs in an attempt to resuscitate them with CPR (that’s what happens if CPR is done right).

Almost all medical professionals have seen what we call “futile care” being performed on people. That’s when doctors bring the cutting edge of technology to bear on a grievously ill person near the end of life. The patient will get cut open, perforated with tubes, hooked up to machines, and assaulted with drugs. All of this occurs in the Intensive Care Unit at a cost of tens of thousands of dollars a day. What it buys is misery we would not inflict on a terrorist. I cannot count the number of times fellow physicians have told me, in words that vary only slightly, “Promise me if you find me like this that you’ll kill me.” They mean it. Some medical personnel wear medallions stamped “NO CODE” to tell physicians not to perform CPR on them. I have even seen it as a tattoo.
To administer medical care that makes people suffer is anguishing. Physicians are trained to gather information without revealing any of their own feelings, but in private, among fellow doctors, they’ll vent. “How can anyone do that to their family members?” they’ll ask. I suspect it’s one reason physicians have higher rates of alcohol abuse and depression than professionals in most other fields. I know it’s one reason I stopped participating in hospital care for the last 10 years of my practice.
How has it come to this—that doctors administer so much care that they wouldn’t want for themselves? The simple, or not-so-simple, answer is this: patients, doctors, and the system.
To see how patients play a role, imagine a scenario in which someone has lost consciousness and been admitted to an emergency room. As is so often the case, no one has made a plan for this situation, and shocked and scared family members find themselves caught up in a maze of choices. They’re overwhelmed. When doctors ask if they want “everything” done, they answer yes. Then the nightmare begins. Sometimes, a family really means “do everything,” but often they just mean “do everything that’s reasonable.” The problem is that they may not know what’s reasonable, nor, in their confusion and sorrow, will they ask about it or hear what a physician may be telling them. For their part, doctors told to do “everything” will do it, whether it is reasonable or not.
The above scenario is a common one. Feeding into the problem are unrealistic expectations of what doctors can accomplish. Many people think of CPR as a reliable lifesaver when, in fact, the results are usually poor. I’ve had hundreds of people brought to me in the emergency room after getting CPR. Exactly one, a healthy man who’d had no heart troubles (for those who want specifics, he had a “tension pneumothorax”), walked out of the hospital. If a patient suffers from severe illness, old age, or a terminal disease, the odds of a good outcome from CPR are infinitesimal, while the odds of suffering are overwhelming. Poor knowledge and misguided expectations lead to a lot of bad decisions.
But of course it’s not just patients making these things happen. Doctors play an enabling role, too. The trouble is that even doctors who hate to administer futile care must find a way to address the wishes of patients and families. Imagine, once again, the emergency room with those grieving, possibly hysterical, family members. They do not know the doctor. Establishing trust and confidence under such circumstances is a very delicate thing. People are prepared to think the doctor is acting out of base motives, trying to save time, or money, or effort, especially if the doctor is advising against further treatment.
Some doctors are stronger communicators than others, and some doctors are more adamant, but the pressures they all face are similar. When I faced circumstances involving end-of-life choices, I adopted the approach of laying out only the options that I thought were reasonable (as I would in any situation) as early in the process as possible. When patients or families brought up unreasonable choices, I would discuss the issue in layman’s terms that portrayed the downsides clearly. If patients or families still insisted on treatments I considered pointless or harmful, I would offer to transfer their care to another doctor or hospital.
Should I have been more forceful at times? I know that some of those transfers still haunt me. One of the patients of whom I was most fond was an attorney from a famous political family. She had severe diabetes and terrible circulation, and, at one point, she developed a painful sore on her foot. Knowing the hazards of hospitals, I did everything I could to keep her from resorting to surgery. Still, she sought out outside experts with whom I had no relationship. Not knowing as much about her as I did, they decided to perform bypass surgery on her chronically clogged blood vessels in both legs. This didn’t restore her circulation, and the surgical wounds wouldn’t heal. Her feet became gangrenous, and she endured bilateral leg amputations. Two weeks later, in the famous medical center in which all this had occurred, she died.
It’s easy to find fault with both doctors and patients in such stories, but in many ways all the parties are simply victims of a larger system that encourages excessive treatment. In some unfortunate cases, doctors use the fee-for-service model to do everything they can, no matter how pointless, to make money. More commonly, though, doctors are fearful of litigation and do whatever they’re asked, with little feedback, to avoid getting in trouble.
Even when the right preparations have been made, the system can still swallow people up. One of my patients was a man named Jack, a 78-year-old who had been ill for years and undergone about 15 major surgical procedures. He explained to me that he never, under any circumstances, wanted to be placed on life support machines again. One Saturday, however, Jack suffered a massive stroke and got admitted to the emergency room unconscious, without his wife. Doctors did everything possible to resuscitate him and put him on life support in the ICU. This was Jack’s worst nightmare. When I arrived at the hospital and took over Jack’s care, I spoke to his wife and to hospital staff, bringing in my office notes with his care preferences. Then I turned off the life support machines and sat with him. He died two hours later.
Even with all his wishes documented, Jack hadn’t died as he’d hoped. The system had intervened. One of the nurses, I later found out, even reported my unplugging of Jack to the authorities as a possible homicide. Nothing came of it, of course; Jack’s wishes had been spelled out explicitly, and he’d left the paperwork to prove it. But the prospect of a police investigation is terrifying for any physician. I could far more easily have left Jack on life support against his stated wishes, prolonging his life, and his suffering, a few more weeks. I would even have made a little more money, and Medicare would have ended up with an additional $500,000 bill. It’s no wonder many doctors err on the side of overtreatment.
But doctors still don’t over-treat themselves. They see the consequences of this constantly. Almost anyone can find a way to die in peace at home, and pain can be managed better than ever. Hospice care, which focuses on providing terminally ill patients with comfort and dignity rather than on futile cures, provides most people with much better final days. Amazingly, studies have found that people placed in hospice care often live longer than people with the same disease who are seeking active cures. I was struck to hear on the radio recently that the famous reporter Tom Wicker had “died peacefully at home, surrounded by his family.” Such stories are, thankfully, increasingly common.
Several years ago, my older cousin Torch (born at home by the light of a flashlight—or torch) had a seizure that turned out to be the result of lung cancer that had gone to his brain. I arranged for him to see various specialists, and we learned that with aggressive treatment of his condition, including three to five hospital visits a week for chemotherapy, he would live perhaps four months. Ultimately, Torch decided against any treatment and simply took pills for brain swelling. He moved in with me.
We spent the next eight months doing a bunch of things that he enjoyed, having fun together like we hadn’t had in decades. We went to Disneyland, his first time. We’d hang out at home. Torch was a sports nut, and he was very happy to watch sports and eat my cooking. He even gained a bit of weight, eating his favorite foods rather than hospital foods. He had no serious pain, and he remained high-spirited. One day, he didn’t wake up. He spent the next three days in a coma-like sleep and then died. The cost of his medical care for those eight months, for the one drug he was taking, was about $20.
Torch was no doctor, but he knew he wanted a life of quality, not just quantity. Don’t most of us? If there is a state of the art of end-of-life care, it is this: death with dignity. As for me, my physician has my choices. They were easy to make, as they are for most physicians. There will be no heroics, and I will go gentle into that good night. Like my mentor Charlie. Like my cousin Torch. Like my fellow doctors.
Ken Murray, MD, is Clinical Assistant Professor of Family Medicine at USC. This post was originally published at Zócalo Public Square, a non-profit ideas exchange that blends live events and humanities journalism.

Apr 16, 2013

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up. ~Pablo Picasso

Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one. ~Stella Adler

I created a work-space for painting-sewing-etc...in my little "office".  Barb had a piece of glass (table-top) in her attic that she had used for a display table at her shop...(A Gentle Touch Salon & Spa...see on Facebook)
I found two old pieces of cabinets at Habitat....(solid wood $35)....cleaned them up----painted-added a knob...and ---WaLa! I have a new place to paint-sew-craft- etc...




Cara was the first to use it !!!





Apr 14, 2013

Change

..felt like a change....out with the red...in with the  black...


3 years



"from the moment I saw you, I wanted to meet you. 

from the moment I met you, I wanted to know you. 

from the moment I knew you, I loved you. 

from the moment I loved you, I wanted to share my life with you.... 

And from that moment to this moment, and for all the moments to come, I will 

love you with all my heart."


...if that sounds like a Hallmark card that's 'cause it is....
the last birthday card that I ever gave him 10-5-2008. He had one more birthday...10-5-2009...celebrated one day after a one month stay in a Dallas rehab hospital...
Gone from us 3 years now...Does it get any "easier"?..it does not.
Rest in peace, my beloved.

Mar 28, 2013

All In The Day Of The Life Of......


I now have a new best friend...X A N A X ..

M R I  YESTERDAY AND I SIMPLY CANNOT GET INTO THAT TUBE AND STAY

FOR 30 OR SO MINUETS WITHOUT HAVING A PANIC ATTACH.....been
there, done that.....took 1mg hr. before and knew that wasn't
gonna do it so took another 1 mg. upon arrival...well, I slept
like a baby...after all was said and done Barb had to get 3 yr.
old Caramia, a "drugged me and my wheelchair into her Ford
Flex...I seem to recall a couple of kind people assisted her.
She had errands to run-we were hungry-she drove though a Chic Filet and we
were on our way...I slept and ate simultaneously...several times I was awaked by her lout voice
saying "Mama, Mama...don't go to sleep with food in your mouth
!!! You'll choke!"
Cara and I both continued to sleep in the car while she got some
things done...she was in and out of the car and I never knew
it...'was awake and able to walk by the time we arrived home.

Mar 16, 2013

Word Of God Speak

Finding myself at a loss for words
 and the funny thing - it's okay.

The last thing I need is to be heard-
   but to hear what you would say.

Word of God speak-
Would you pour down like rain?
Washing my eyes to see your majesty,
 to be still and know that you're in this place.
Please let me stay and rest in your holiness.

Word of God - speak..


Bart Mallard - Mercy Me

Mar 10, 2013

A Sunday Drive

A Sunday Drive   video


Have you ever reacted impulsively to ,what some would classify as a foolish thing to do!'' 'guess I qualify. Last Sunday after being at the cemetery - which is out in the country in Lincoln County, Tn. only a few miles from home - I was reminded of the drive that Bob enjoyed taking when we would be coming down to visit Barb from Dallas..Near Memphis - hwy 64 across the south end of Tn... -little traffic but slow- scenic -  a peaceful drive if you're not in a hurry...passing through small towns - Somerville, Boliver, Selmer, Savannah, Waynesboro, Lawrenceburg, Pulaski, Fayetteville - then south on 231/431 down a few miles to Hazel Green...

It was a nice day, for a change, cold but sunny. I knew Barbara would not be home to check on me for several hours so I  did it!  In my 2004 Honda Civic with 140,000 miles on it and old tires...didn't even go back home to get anything....afraid I would reconsider.   I had a coat, my purse and phone -

I just really wanted to be in Covington - where Bob had grown up- where we met - where we got married- where we lived our first year together and our first child was born- where his parents and my mother are buried.

About 5 hours later I arrived, drove around town, took some pictures (with my phone as I did not have my camera with me) cried some and then headed the 35 miles into Memphis to spend the night with my (very surprised) sister!

The pictures in the video were taken with my phone from inside the car, while driving - so they are not the greatest...

My latest painting endeavor.





Mar 9, 2013

Decision Time

What to do - what to do - what a dilemma - Shall I straighten up my house before Eddie and the boys arrive ????





 



or could I paint ???

 


easy decision---but first---I need to decide what to paint...

Mar 1, 2013

Reality

To think that the affairs of this life always remain in the same state is a vain presumption; indeed they all seem to be perpetually changing and moving in a circular course. Spring is followed by summer, summer by autumn, and autumn by winter, which is again followed by spring, and so time continues its everlasting round. But the life of man is ever racing to its end, swifter than time itself, without hope of renewal, unless in the next that is limitless and infinite.”


― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote

Interesting dialogue from the movie "The Next Three Days"
John Brennan-(Russell Crowe) -teacher at a community college whose wife is erroneously convicted of murder and imprisoned for 20 years.
John Brennan:  "So, "The Life and Times of Don Quixote," what is it about?"
  Student: "That someones belief in virtue is more important than virtue itself?"   John Brennan: Yeah, that's in there. What else is it about? ...Could it be about how rational thought destroys the soul? The triumph of irrationality, and the power that is in it...Now we spend a lot of time trying to organize the world. We build clocks and calendars and we try to predict the weather, but what part of our life is truly under our control? What if we choose to exist in a reality of our own making, does that render us insane; and if so - isn't that better than a life of despair?"

Feb 23, 2013

Depression-A Study In The Scriptures


"Nothing puts everything into perspective like gazing upon the majesty of the Almighty. Make melody to God, or listen to some anointed music: that's what Saul did, when depressed: he called for David, the minstrel, and the anointing on David's music caused the evil spirit that depressed and harassed him to depart. "
 Diane Dew











Feb 18, 2013

Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again (original version)


To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to who wouldn't do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about, God in His mercy
Oh, if he really does exist
Why did he desert me
In my hour of need
I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally








Feb 9, 2013

Depression

"a mental disorder characterized by extreme gloom, feelings of inadequacy, and inability to concentrate" 


The most important thing to remember about depression is this: you do not get the time back. It is not tacked on at the end of your life to make up for the disaster years. Whatever time is eaten by a depression is gone forever. The minutes that are ticking by as you experience the illness are minutes you will not know again.”


“I hit walls of past pleasure all the time, and for me past pleasure is much harder to process then past pain...for me the traumas of the past are mercifully far away. The pleasures of the past however, are tough...the worst of depression lies in a present moment that cannot escape the past it idolizes or deplores.”

 “It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed- but you can get through all that. Not happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there’s not much mistaking it.”

― Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

Feb 8, 2013

God bless our Veterans!

(Personal note - one reason it is called Angel, is when the plane releases its decoy missiles, as is shown in several of the pictures, it creates an Angel shape in the smoke).
Listen to the words of the pilot and the tower, and listen to the very end.
God bless our Veterans!

Angel Flight

Feb 7, 2013

Jan 10, 2013

We don't remember the days-we remember the moments

"When someone you love dies you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time—the way their mail stops coming, and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they're gone,forever—


there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.”

John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany