Change

These thoughts came to me while contemplating some of my more recent actions.

One definition of change is  "the supplanting of one thing by another." Most of the changes I've made have  been both physically and  emotionally unhealthy...though I find myself helpless to exercise  control over them for any period of time..it's my way of making it through the day and night...my way of coping and trying to accept an  enormous loss. The sad part of this is the comfort, relief, gratification,WHATEVER  obtained is so temporary...only momentary.. "expiration date  tomorrow".

Example one:  Yesterday..I left home around 9:30 and did not return for 12 hours...Some days I "busy myself" to the point of exhaustion, just to put myself in a place where I am not thinking only of him.  It' not that I don't enjoy the things that I occupy myself with on those days...because I  mostly shop...and what woman doesn't love to shop! 

but I'm spending money that I do not have..I've purchased 15 pairs of shoes in the last 9 months...clothes that I still have not worn.!. And I'm not going to even count the purses...fortunately most of them come from Barb's shop and I buy them at her cost...or less.

And then there are the changes I make to the house. In complete honesty, I've always liked changing things around, rearranging furniture, reorganizing...Maybe that's my way of being in control...or rather "the feeling" of being in control...more about the "control thing"  later.

Just since my last pictures I've changed things.  We moved out the twin beds in my bedroom and replaced them with a queen size...which called for all new bedding..(which Barbara had already)I've hung sheers on some of my windows, I've moved pictures from one place to another, I moved my birds out to the front porch...until the cool weather returned...I've even rearranged my closet!!!

 I found this lovely box at Hobby Lobby perfect size to hold Bob's letters from Germany..with places on the top just the right size to hold some of his original pictures from Paris..



With any luck the sun will come back out and I can go outside and make  some good changes in the yard.

Last night at Grief Share one of the ladies suggested that perhaps one reason I'm having such a difficult time "adjusting" to this change in my life is because I've always been someone who feels the need to be "in control"...and now I 've been confronted with the fact that we really have no control over most of what occurs in our life.....I think she was "right on".... .

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”