Tell Me Where You Are

"I have lost you -the pain is hard to bear
Do I have to go through life knowing you're not there?
 I sit here and remember all the lovely times we shared
   the talks- the laughter- of every one you cared.
 I am told the pain will ease in time and I will think of you without a tear
 but that will be impossible as I need to have you here.
You were the very world to me - my ever guiding star
 Just kiss me softly on the cheek and tell me where you are."

Poetry

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break." ~William Shakespeare--- Poetry has always been able to move me to tears, moreso than any other medium of expression with the possible exception of music. My thanks to those who post these beautiful poems. They give us insight, and the realization that others feel as we often feel, even those with the remarkable gift of putting those feelings into words that rock the soul.---- Wave of sorrow, Do not drown me now: I see the island Still ahead somehow. I see the island And its sands are fair: Wave of sorrow, Take me there. -Langston Hughes

Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again (original version)

To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to who wouldn't do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about, God in His mercy
Oh, if he really does exist
Why did he desert me
In my hour of need
I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally

We don't remember the days-we remember the moments

"When someone you love dies you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time—the way their mail stops coming, and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they're gone,forever—


there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.”

John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

A Grief Observed

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He
 knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock,the witness box

 and the bench all at once. He always knew that ”my temple was a house of cards. His only way of 
making me realize the fact was to knock it down.

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Memories

“There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well.”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

 

On Grief

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer.
I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
CS Lewis

In the Arms of an angel

In the arms of an Angel, far away from here

From this dark, lonely room, and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie

In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

2006

Two Years Ago tomorrow

Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet...I'll never be over it...bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.

In The Arms of the Angel...

feeling the lose of him so acutely this month...


http://youtu.be/jVbkz_3lO3c

A Fresh Endeavour

So now I've taken leave of life,
I thought you'd like to know, I still
Possess a mind in love, oh wife;
A soulful eye to catch a show of
Silent beauty – ever yours;

An ear to pick the metaphors
Of tonal dance in words you say,
Grasp a thought in verse you pray
Inside your head, bemused of mind,
Softly mournful, intertwined with
Understanding tears.

I'll drift a whisper o'er to you
To tell that I am quietly calm;
Keeping time till your adieu
To flesh, upon the carol of a
Psalm of consummation.
 Now!
A fresh endeavour – we're forever
One together, resting yonder,
Cross our open plane of blue.

 Mark R Slaughter 2009

I Need You

Worth Reading Again

Part of an April post on  http://surfergrandma.blogspot.com/


"....Our hearts are so full, and give themselves so completely to what they love ...eventually what we love goes away and we get clobbered.
Try to remember that your beloved is not God. He will die...or you will - one of you will be left alone. The silence on the other end of the relationship makes you wonder if there's anybody there. The banality of your ongoing unpartnered life can make you feel angry and bitter
Love each other well, even if it must be foolishly,  - you will be sorry at the end of your life if your fear of losing love keeps you from ever knowing it, and you will know firsthand that it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Accept the kindness of those who see your sorrow, and forgive the blindness of those who cannot.

And then abide with God, after you have lost everything else. So different from the unseen good fairy you may once have thought he was, before your life taught you anything different. So eternally present, so unafraid of your wildest grief or most violent rage....Because your spiritual sense have been changed by your trauma, you now sense things differently. Be patient with yourself as you learn what that way is. And then drink deeply and often at the well."

Like It Is

A Texas friend took the time to copy and mail something to me that she thought might be of some comfort....she has experienced a similar loss three years ago.  Thank you Jeanene.

In the months after Bob's death I was given much reading material... ( a great deal from this very friend)..some of what arrived in my mailbox was read...    most  was not. People just want to reach out...to do something...anything to try and share their feelings...to share that they are sorry....I understand and appreciate those efforts but the time was just not right and also, so much of it is the same..... The article received this week expressed clearly some of what I have learned these last, sad, 16  months...not that I haven't heard some of it before..I guess the timing was right.
ie:
"A Special Language"
"Death is the last taboo. It's not something people want to talk about. It's not something they KNOW HOW to talk about..(myself included..prior to now.)
Our instincts are wrong when it comes to grief.. Without a vocabulary to talk about death, we also lack an understanding of the grief.  (that is a profound truth).
Right around the third month, ( probably longer for your family members) society looks at it's collective watch and says "OK, time to move on." The casseroles have stopped coming.  The support system is ready to move on. But you're stuck.  You're wallowing.
Left behind, alone with their grief, are the husband who lost a wife, the mother who lost a son, the surviving spouse of a suicide, the parent of a child killed by a drunken driver, the wife whose husband was murdered, the child whose parent died.
Without a language and understanding of grief, the communities we usually rely upon often fail us when it comes to loss. (This article is about support groups and although I agree with much of what it says I will not reiterate all of it)
The relatives all have their own healing to go through...their own loss to accept...and they sympathise with you but they have no way of knowing what you are experiencing.
Grief is such an intensely personal and individually unique emotion that the support community for young  widows doesn't work for older widows, the support group for suicide doesn't help those who lost a relative to homicide.  The grief is different for the loss of a husband than the loss of a father.
"Jane Doe" sleeps in bed with the clothes of her husband...the ones worn home from the hospital, folded and tucked beneath his pillow.  They were married 35 years ...he's been dead for three, but she still hasn't accepted his death."
I still spend every night on the couch in my living room...where I  watched my husband  die...where I spent the nights with his hospital bed rolled over beside me and lowered so that I could see him, hear him, touch him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to sleep somewhere else....and I don't care...it's where I want to be.   Before he was unable to open his eyes at all he laid in that room looking out at those windows - the ones in the picture at the top of this blog...just staring into space...he could not talk, hear or move much those last 2-3 weeks...it seemed as though he was preparing himself for death..he was drifting away..he rarely looked into my face...after 57 years of a very close relationship...that was hard...to see him leave me even before he died.

"There is no hierarchy of grief, no loss that is greater than another kind of loss.  But for people whose spouses died after 30,  40,  50  years of marriage, the pain is deep, intense and ENDURING. The loss of a husband or wife is a tangible, physical piece of themselves that is missing, gone forever..  When you have lived with a person for a long time your sense of who you are is very much tied up to that life you built together...when you lose that shared history it leaves you in a very isolated, lonely place."


Back to me:  I feel this way..so acutely..."I'm everything I am because  you loved me"..."he gave me faith 'cause he believed"....etc. ..'makes me appear to be a fairly weak person..dependent...But I Was Not that way..on the contrary, I have been strong...I  have  felt confidence in myself ...to a point...I pretty much said and did what I wanted with little or no objections..., as long as I didn't push TOO much...he would only give so far...but he did go out of his way to keep things pleasant ...he was the most forthright person I've ever known...he spoke what he felt.
 I digress..

When you've lived and loved all your life together with one person you are "one" on so many levels..you don't even realize it..until you lose that biggest part  of  yourself  to death.....as for me, we were so much "one" that  all the dear things that remain (family-home)) are not enough to give me reason to value the time I have left...and I know this is so hurtful to my children...I have loved them dearly..and still do...BUT...the "me" that was - is no longer me. I have not found myself...and if this disappoints my children I am sorry..some believe I have just given up on life....I did not give up on life..my life as it had been since age 16 left me...1951..60 years knowing and loving him...It doesn't make me less than what I always have been...it just makes me different..I feel guilty about this but it's something I have no control over...at least, not now.

The article tells about a man who after losing his wife of 50 years, leaves, without telling his sons, to find her...he literally tried to find her. "He went to  Detroit where they had honeymooned..(Detroit? Honeymoon???)  He went to the Chicago hotel where they had stayed while he attended a plumbers convention and danced in the Blue Room.  He went to The Albuquerque, N.M motel where they had stayed while visiting the meteorite center in Az.  He went to Las Vegas to Circus Circus, the casino where they always stayed.  It was there that he found her.
I thought I saw her in the restaurant.  She was sitting at a table eating..I was going to go up to her and hug her and say, "hello, honey," when two children came up to her on either side and her husband came up to talk to her.  That brought me to my senses. A month after his sons called the police and reported their 85 yr. old dad  missing he returned home to the empty condominium with the his-and-her easy chairs facing an entertainment unit decked with two rows of framed family pictures.  No amount of consolation from friends, family or neighbors could assuage his grief.  He spoke to rabbis, priest and clergymen. Nothing helped...it was later that he discovered the community of grief...with other widows and widowers who shared his experience, felt his loss, spoke the language of a broken heart.,,,you could tell they understood your pain. He began to heal...the intense grief fades but the sadness- the sense of loss remains and can knock you down at anytime. "

There is no place I can go, nothing I can do, that does not bring thoughts of him..the first thoughts when I wake are of him...the last ones at night..the joy or pleasure that these remembrances should give fill my heart with such sorrow..because I know they are over...right now, at this point of my journey the blessings I received from our life together bring only heartache...because it has ended.  ...even when I lie down on that couch at 12-1-2am  for my 3 to 4 hours of sleep I am wearing my ipod.....   in an attempt to control my thoughts away from him by listening to music...most  nights my awake time ends up on the couch peering out those same windows- at the same sky he had watched..crying out to be allowed to just  sense his presence  ...just to know he is there...somewhere...

But he is not there.

I, too, am looking for Bob...I am unwilling to give him up...
I have surrounded myself with his pictures...his corner of the room where all his "special" things are kept...his bibles that he read and studied so diligently, his house slippers beside his recliner.. I  often " busy" myself to the point of exhaustion just to keep myself distracted from thoughts of him.. because when everything shuts off my grief consumes me.
I know this is unhealthy...I am at a loss as to how to overcome it.  I think part of the problem is "I don't want to overcome it." I want to keep him..I'm 76 years old and I see my life as in the past... I feel that I've already had it all...I know that I'm not "special" in any way...I know others get beyond this sort of thing...maybe in time...

I must add that there are times when I can enjoy and receive   small pleasures...when little Cara gives me a kiss or softly says "meme"...when I see the little boys coming across the yard to my cabin..going into the
snack drawer or frig to get something to drink...knowing they are welcomed and loved by me...as Barbara goes to extremes to share and understand and do things that she knows I enjoy....my flowers....but these things treasured are such a small part of my day...there are many hours left to my own resources...and I'm not very strong at all these days...and I don't think I should feel guilty about that ...there are times when you just cannot be strong...and when it gets dark is the worst time...

so don't call me at night.. :) 

Just telling it like it is...

I love and value my children...

2 am

Insomnia:

Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time. 

Sleep Deprivation:

A form of psychological torture inflicted by depriving the victim of sleep. 

Depression:

The condition of feeling sad or despondent. 

Clinical Depression:

A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia (an inability to experience pleasure), feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. 

Grief:

Deep mental anguish, as that arising from bereavement.

Stages of Grief:

Denial-
Anger-
Bargaining-
Depression-stuck here
Acceptance-

I measure every Grief I meet
by Emily Dickinson

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, eyes –
I wonder if It weighs like Mine –
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long –
Or did it just begin –
I could not tell the Date of Mine –
It feels so old a pain –

I wonder if it hurts to live –
And if They have to try –
And whether – could They choose between –
It would not be – to die –

I note that Some – gone patient long –
At length, renew their smile –
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil –

I wonder if when Years have piled –
Some Thousands – on the Harm –
That hurt them early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm –

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve –
Enlightened to a larger Pain –
In Contrast with the Love –

The Grieved – are many – I am told –
There is the various Cause –
Death – is but one – and comes but once –
And only nails the eyes –

There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –
A sort they call "Despair" -
There's Banishment from native Eyes –
In sight of Native Air –

And though I may not guess the kind –
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary –

To note the fashions – of the Cross –
And how they're mostly worn –
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like my own –

Loneliness

"At times we can feel a sense of loneliness even when we are surrounded by many people. Sri Chinmoy suggests that we feel lonely when we use our mind to separate ourselves from other people. It is easy for the mind to be negative and when we are in a negative state of mind our ego comes to the fore, this is when we are likely to feel more lonely. Furthermore loneliness does not help us in any way but only contributes to our unhappiness.

The cure for loneliness is to use the qualities of the heart to stop judging things and to cultivate happiness."

Easy for you to say....I do not use my mind to seperate myself  from people...death has seperated me.."He slowly took his final breath, 'twas me, my dear, who died a death."

Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth.

For a crowd is not company,

and faces are but a gallery of pictures,

and talk but a tinkling cymbal,

where there is no love.

To Where You Are

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate,)
i want no world (for  you are my world,)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you .

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Edward Estlin Cummings

April 24th...came and went and I didn't remember

I must be losing my mind! Yesterday, the 24th of April, was our 58th wedding anniversary. ..and I didn't remember...the truth is, I'm no longer aware of what the date is from one day to the next.

Bob's death and my grief has effected me in so many different ways...no one knows unless they have experienced it firsthand . Grief involves so many changes and it's continually developing. One thing I've learned is it takes longer than most people think, myself included. There really is no end..it just evolves from one thing to another. I'm told  that it's a journey and it can't be rushed....I've learned that that is true.

I've made it through the customary "steps"..the shock, or numbness...however, there was no shock involved for us...we knew for some weeks that he was dying..After the numbness wore off there was and still is,  emotional upheaval...at times overwhelming grief :  sadness:   depression:  loneliness:  drugs to sleep and help cope:  over activity, sometimes to the point of exhaustion: over-eating: over spending: neglecting basic needs: some physical distress: creating shrines: experiencing an intense preoccupation with his life: ..all  natural and normal grief responses I'm told!

I've made some healthy choices as well: crying, talking, sharing, attending a support group, journaling (through my blogs), taking small trips,  engaging in activities that I enjoy, such as gardening, allowing myself to laugh and enjoy the little ones in my family.

At this particular time I've become restless and  disorganized. I don't finish things that I start...there are half a dozen "projects" cluttering up the house  that lay undone..I leave the house in disarray for days...I'm unable to concentrate ...I forget everything..(our anniversary!!!)..did I take my pills this am?...I just put those thing away..where are they?...did I pay that bill? have I feed the fish today?
I can't sleep over 3 or 4 hours, even with Rx...and I cry at unexpected times...
So,

  "Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet...I'll never be over it...bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
   Please don't tell me he's  in a better place...he isn't here with me.
   Please don't say at least he isn't suffering...I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
   Please don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear...
          just say you remember him... let me talk about him...let me cry."